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30 July 2011 @ 05:23 pm
[FIC] Paint A New Canvas  
Title: Paint A New Canvas
Author: Shabrina (mrz_jaereen  ) 
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Jaejoong/Boa
Genre: romance, angst
Length: oneshot (approx 1,200 wc)
Concrit: YES please~
Summary: Letting go is hard, but when you hold someone who isn't even there, it's time to give another a chance.

Paint A New Canvas


Boa wakes up with a startled jolt. A hand stretches out up high as if trying to reach the ceiling, reach someone, and syllables of dearest’s name clogs up in her throat, halfway escaping her mouth, before she swallows against it.
It’s the dream. Again.

She sighs and stares absently at the ceiling. A forlorn look settles about her face and a lone tear makes its way down her alabaster skin. She wipes it away before it kisses her ear. She sighs one more time and trots to the balcony.

Sun rays attack her vision and Boa brings a hand up to shelter her face. A moment passes and she brings it back down and then leans her weight on the railing, hands on top of it. She lets her eyes gaze down at the busy street, watches as vehicles buzz around the small street.

A wind blows and dances with her hair. She closes her eyes and sees him behind her eyelids. Her body spasms and she opens her eyes as she takes a deep breathe.

Everything. Everything still reminds her of him.

Turning around, she walks inside, closes the balcony doors behind her and takes shaky steps toward the night stand. With a heavy hand, she opens the drawer and reaches past the sleeping pill case until her fingers come into contact with the glossy surface of the picture underneath. She takes it out, stares at it and gasps for air and breaks down because, oh gods it still hurts, her chest still constricts in a much too familiar way and it’s suddenly hard to breathe. She lets the picture fall on her lap as she brings both palms on her lips, muffling her cries.

Why? She screams in her head. More than a year has passed, why are you still torturing me?


She jolts upright and looks up at the door, eyes wide. She stands up as she feels her head spins and turns her body around, back facing the door.


The door opens and soon light steps can be heard approaching her.

Boa tries to rub away any traces of tears on her cheeks in what manner she hopes as subtle. She looks down worriedly at the picture lying with the image up on the floor. She thinks of the possibility of getting away with kicking it under the bed, but any chances to do it were taken away as her soon-to-be husband wraps his arms around her middle. She frowns and chooses that moment to greet her fiancé.

“Jaejoong,” she whispers and tries not to cringe when Jaejoong kisses her temple.

“What are you doing out of bed?” Jaejoong breathes in the rich scent of fresh mint and orange which is distinctly hers and continues when Boa stays quiet, “Are you feeling any better?”

She contemplates and then nods hesitantly.

Jaejoong squeezes her in his embrace and then, very gently, turns her around. He cups her face in both of his hands.

“Did you know how worried I was when you suddenly collapsed?”

Jaejoong’s gaze spoke of deep sorrow and concern and adoration and love all written clearly in his eyes and Boa notes the way how her heart skips a beat. She tries to shrug it off and recalls the moment where she tries her wedding dress for the first time and looks at the mirror, her fiancé on her side, smiling at her reflection, and remembers the way how the world around her spins as she thinks of him on her side instead and of how the whole marriage issue comes dawning on her all of a sudden as a hard slap of another cruelty of life, because, because, she isn’t going to be married to him but to another man and it’s just oh gods, oh gods, it’s terrifying, because he was her first love and she doesn’t even love this man—this fiancé of hers.

Boa pushes back the nausea that coming back full force, refusing desperately to retch in front of her fiancé. She chokes back a sob and bites her lips and mutters, “I’m sorry.”

She doesn’t know if she apologizes for that time when she collapsed or for not loving him back.

Jaejoong is quiet for a moment and continues holding gaze with her. Whether or not he notices the redness and puffiness on her eyes, she would never know because Jaejoong would never ask. He sighs at long last and Boa ponders if his tired sigh was because he is feeling tired, too, with all of this—their relationship that never seems to work out.

She is genuinely surprised when Jaejoong pulls her into another embrace and caresses her locks.

“Do you still dream about him?”

Boa manages to bite back a gasp in time. She doesn’t expect him to ask her that.

Her throat suddenly feels dry and she is on the verge of breaking down, again, but she doesn’t—she won’t allow herself. Her fiancé has already too much on his plate to worry about without her adding on to it. 

“Not really,” she finally answers.

Stomach suddenly churning knowing what kind of a lie she has told Jaejoong.

“Recently, yes,” she adds to ease the guilt rising in her chest.

It doesn’t make the white lies any better though.

Jaejoong is quiet again and then says, “You know, it’s not really your fault.”

Boa swallows a lump and bites her lips harder.

“I know.”

She hates the way her voice trembles.

Jaejoong nods and silence wraps the moment for a long while. He then parts from the embrace and stares into her eyes and smiles thinly. Boa’s chest constricts. She notices for the first time how weary Jaejoong looks. Because once upon a time, Jaejoong’s smiles are so much wider and brighter. It kills her knowing she is the reason why he doesn’t smile that way anymore.

Jaejoong rubs small circles with his thumb on her cheek. He looks thoughtful for a moment.

“Boa, “ Jaejoong’s voice cracks when he begins. He hesitates and tries again, “Boa, I won’t ask you to rid him from your memories and heart—”

Boa chokes.

“—but please, save me a small spot there?”

Boa shivers and whimpers. She only realizes she is crying when Jaejoong wipes a thumb over fallen tears. She feels so bad. So so so bad because this man is too good for her and she has mistreated him many many times and even has done the worst of imagining her fiancé, who was coming down on to her body, as him one time when she just missed him too much to care. But this man has decided long to look past all her worse and choose to see her as the sweet girl that she really is.

Boa presses her face on Jaejoong’s chest and wails as Jaejoong runs a comforting hand on her back.

It burns where he touches.

Between her muffled cries and Jaejoong whispering soothing words to her ear, she catches a glimpse of the old picture lying on the floor and it still hurts hurts hurts but seeing this man hurting hurts more.

And for that reason, she is willing to take chances and finally move on.

After all, she longs for someone who doesn’t breathe the same air anymore.


It’s supposed to be a drabble. But got too long and about 1,000+ words, so well, I deemed it suffice as a oneshot.
Done in roughly two hours on impulse without real plot in mind. So, pardon the weirdness .___.
Un-beta, so feel free to point out any mistakes you spotted.
Thanks for reading and please, don’t forget to leave feedbacks. They always fuel me to write more :)

`Shabrina ♥

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(Anonymous) on July 30th, 2011 01:34 pm (UTC)
lovely. <3
extremely well written. I dont think this actually needs to be beta-ed. proper grammar, clever words,OTL. I enjoy reading this fic very much^^
but babe..... WHY DID YOU MAKE BOA SUFFERS SO MUCH (on the previous fic also) ;__; *is slapped* XD

apparently recent fics of yours are the ones with devastating plots. u__u not that i complain tho. ;p

btw i expect more fics coming out now that you have much time to work on it,hehe~ xD #selfish good luck with everything and keep up the good work!^O^
love you~ :* <3
Shabrinamrz_jaereen on August 2nd, 2011 04:07 pm (UTC)
I don't know why you always shower me with praises every time you commented on any of my stories, because, well, I never think my stories are THAT good :/ *slapself*
Oh well. It's not like I complained. Ungh. I don't know how to make myself clear without making me sound like an ungrateful s**ofab***h (except i'm a daughter lol) It's just that... uhm, this part somewhat bothers me
I dont think this actually needs to be beta-ed. proper grammar, clever words,OTL.

the clever words part to be exact. I mean, really, really, cynthia babe? ;____; well, I'm just.. okay, flattered so much that you thought so. It's just... I never thought so LOL They were all simple words and have too many repetition and many many awkward words. That, and the fact that I didn't even plan to make this piece. Really, it's just another spur of the moment. I was feeling lonely and this... was born. ;____; Do you know how I re-read this piece over and over and just want to delete it as soon as it was posted? So I'm really really GLAD and relief, particularly, that you liked this. You don't know how scared I was to post this LOL

Goooooossshhh what's wrong with me and my low self-esteem *stabself*

Okay, I'll shut up now.

And about the devastating plot... uhm, I don't know LOL You know how I'm most at ease at writing angsty fics. I couldn't even make cractastic fic without wanting to bang my head to the keywords every while and then. LOL I'm so full of fail ;___;

Yeah, I'll try hard to post fics weekly and if it's possible, make it daily XD Yes, am gonna slave myself har har. I'll make full use of my free time before uni starts .___.

*looks up* Gosh I wrote an essay again! I'll shut up for real this time!

Last thing, thank you so much cyncyn baby! I love you too! :**
(Anonymous) on August 2nd, 2011 02:46 am (UTC)
like it <3
shab, have anyone told you that you're the best at writing angsty fic? and you're the best at making a manly-gentleman jaejoong, love it love it love it <3 i challenge you to make a fluffy fic. can't wait to see your reply :D

Shabrinamrz_jaereen on August 2nd, 2011 04:16 pm (UTC)
Re: like it <3
Dhira babeeee *glomps*
Thanks so much! No, no one ever told me! Or have they? O.o I don't really remember. My brain often fails me and this is one of those times :/
Hehe me likey manly-gentlemen!Jaejoong too! He is adorable~ *squishes him*

LOL Fluffy fic? I don't know, we'll see *winks* I'll let you on this not so secret fact that I'm currently writing a craktastic, fluff fic featuring Yoochun/Boa, Jaejoong/Boa & Jaejoong/Hyojoo. So stay tuned!

Thanks! : D
rafatea: babyjing grayrafatea on August 2nd, 2011 07:45 am (UTC)
jadi ceritanya boa dan jaejoong itu udah bertunangan, tapi sayangnya boa gak cinta sama jaejoong =[
kenapa miris banget ;;_____;;
jaejoong, yaolloh tabah banget dia. “—but please, save me a small spot there?” nyeri banget bacanya =[
tapi rin, bahasa inggrismu levelnya susah banget sampe harus baca diulang-ulang dan buka alfalink. satu kalimat panjang banget DX (ini sih, guenya aja yang payah bahasanya).
ceritanya bagus banget... walau sakit hati bacanya!
maaf, aku payah banget ngasih feedback =[

Shabrinamrz_jaereen on August 2nd, 2011 04:25 pm (UTC)
Iya miris banget emang ;_____; kalo mikir banget tentang ceritanya jadi pengen nangis nih *sniffs*

Aww, quoteback! I loooove quoteback! Kamu orang pertama yang pernah ngutip balik barisan kalimat dalem ceritaku <3
Iya, itu nusuk banget emang yang bagian itu. Seneng deh rasa nyerinya kamu bisa "dapet" juga :)

:( Maaf yah aku kaku banget nulis pake indo :/ Aku ga suka deh bahasaku dibilang bahasa terjemahan DDD;; <-- ishperfectionist

Makasih mik >< Emang bikin sakittt banget ;___;

Hush, mana ada feedback yang "payah" >___> Tapi aku ngerti kok. Aku juga paling ga bisa suruh ngomen cerita orang :P

Makasih banyak yaaaa sayangkuuu udah berusaha banget memahami cerita nan gajeku ini. Hehe
Love ya! <333
stoned69 on August 2nd, 2011 03:22 pm (UTC)
Oooo, that was a nice one-shot read :D I like it. It was unique compared to some of other Bojoong reads; what I like specifically is that Jaejoong was really doing his best/being supportive of gaining her love, usually he's the type that BoA instantly falls directly for. But rather in your story, he was portrayed in a different light :) A sweet loving read. Lol, reread it again . . . :)

Forgot to add, I'm impressed you wrote this in such a short time, quality read. Oh and also I really loved your description; it made it so much easier to visualize the scenario.

There were a couple errors grammar wise but your story was nice and easy to read (there have been some stories that I have read but what ended up ruining them was bad grammar :/

Letting go is hard, but when you hold someone who doesn't even there, it's time to give another a chance.


Sun rays attack her visions.


She lets the picture falls on her lap.

Shabrinamrz_jaereen on August 2nd, 2011 03:40 pm (UTC)
Aww thanks so much ♥ My story was unique? Perhaps it's because I don't read BoJoong stories. That's why my stories don't take the usual line of Boa falls head over heels in love with Jaejoong. I read stuffs at Livejournal community dbsk_het. And people there don't really post stories featuring BoJoong as the pairing. I don't even know why. I thought BoJoong is quite famous as a pairing. :(

Hehe, thanks. I was a bit hesitant to post this piece because, one, I did it in such short amount of time, and two, I really didn't give much thought to the plot. And I'm so glad you mentioned my descriptions! I was nervous about them, whether or not they were decent enough LOL

Ah, yes. I'm quite picky with the stories I read. I don't read stories with bad grammar. Even though I'm not a native and English is not even our first or second language, my eyes are always sore whenever I read stories with bad grammar. I always skip those kind of stories. No matter how promising the summary sounded. So, thank you for correcting my grammar. I really do need to look for a beta-reader LOL

Thanks a lot! :D
stoned69 on August 2nd, 2011 03:43 pm (UTC)
I usually read my stories at Winglin fanfiction or asianfanatics.com, they have a nice collection of Bojoong pieces but yes there are quite a few that do require a beta reader way more than yourself. At least you are aware of it; however, i have found writers who had crappy grammar before but made a major improvement which is really nice. :)

But don't worry, I feel shaky too all the time about my artwork, but you never know how it will go unless you post. Plus there's always the editing option :D
Saparapah ♚sarshinki on September 6th, 2011 10:44 am (UTC)
maaf banget yah shab aku telat banget baca+komen
link ff yg kamu kasih udah ketiban mention lain, jadi aku komenin FF yg ini aja yah.

dan yeah, shabrina emang ga pernah ngecewain
aku kadang suka malu sendiri mau komen gimana, soalnya menurutku ga ada yang perlu dikritik atau diapa-apain lol
disini aku lebih kasian sama jaejoongnya ketimbang BoA haha
sama kaya yg diatas, aku nyesshhh banget baca yg “—but please, save me a small spot there?”
kamu emang jago dalam men-deksripsikan plus memaparkan, karena walau ini oneshot, aku berasa udah bisa ngerasain gimana sedihnya BoA dan gimana "kasian"nya Jaejoong yang mencintai orang who doesn't love him back.

ok, jangan cape yah yang nyuruh aku baca FF kamu
walaupun mungkin bakalan telat baca+komennya, tapi pasti bakal aku baca kok <3 :)